And
so I found myself on the train, courtesy of Dolly Parton, and no
thanks to Samson. The alighting passengers simply had no chance.
Samson dragging me and Dolly pushing me. I felt so loved. You may
want to try it sometime. Sigh.
Now
let the journey begins. But let me prepare the uninitiated, the
naive, the inexperienced, for this longest short journey of your
life.
Firstly, let me ask you a
question but you must promise me to tell the truth, and nothing but
the truth because your well-being may depend on this.
Are you into kung fu? Chinese
martial arts? Have you had kungfu lessons? No, you don’t really
need to learn how to fight, not unless you have a mother-in-law like
mine although I hasten to add that even if you become a Shaolin
master, you still cannot fight that woman! Honestly! No, you just
need to learn the “Horse Stance” – the basic foundation of
Chinese kung fu. Simply put, you learn to stand like a horse so that
no one can move you unless you wanted to be moved. I should have used
my horse stance earlier when I was sandwiched between my new found
friends Samson and Dolly.
Anyway, once you have mastered
this stance, you become immovable, very stable on your feet. Nothing
can make your pair of legs give way – except a kick from Mighty
Mouth. This means that when the train driver brakes a bit too
abruptly, or even slow down suddenly, and they are happening with
increasing frequencies, you remain standing with your dignity
intact. And watch the weaklings around you falling all over the
place.
Before I mastered the Horse
Stance, I was always losing my balance on the train. When it is
standing space only, the most that could happen would be that you
knock against the bodies of some of your fellow passengers, and you
find yourself in an awkward position, hanging on to the first thing
or things you could get your hands on to stop yourself from falling.
Because, usually, the first thing you can get your hands on is not
something you would usually want to get your hands on. I am talking
from experience. When it happened to me, I apologized a thousand
times to the fine looking lady. She added to my embarrassment by not
saying anything, just smiling shyly. I alighted at the first
opportunity. What if she decided to take me home to meet the parents?
Bigamy is one thing. But the thought of having to contend with a
second mother-in-law scared the hell out of me.
When it is off peak, and
there is plenty of space, losing your balance may mean a different
outcome. It happened to me once and I am going to tell you about it.
But please keep it to yourself, okay? Promise?
Although there were plenty of
seats as it was off-peak, I had decided to stand. And because I was
standing, the driver decided to brake suddenly. It has to be a
conspiracy I tell you. I have probably been marked by SMRT as
Complainer of the Year and they were out to get me!.The train
screeched and the women screamed. Not sure which was louder. And I
was sent flying to a destination I had not paid for. You see, some
idiot was fast asleep, his very long legs protruding into the middle
of the aisle. I tripped and went headlong towards the softest landing
I had ever experienced. I found myself on the lap of this lady of
very ample proportions. She could have put my new found friend,
Dolly Parton the Pusher to shame. I looked up from her lap but my
views were completely blocked . Twin Peaks came to mind.. I was
reluctant to leave my newly acquired comfort zone. But I did not want
to overstay her hospitality so I picked myself up, stuttering
“So…soo..ry..hope I did ..did..not knock into your t...
t…tits……no, I……I mean your ..your ….teeth”.
And everyone laughed. They, my
fellow passengers, they all laughed at me! I couldn’t believe that
was happening. Surely that has to be the peaks of discourtesy!
Sorry,, I meant the peak of discourtesy.
So, ladies and gentlemen, go
practice your horse stance. Then you can really join me for the
rest of that MRT ride!
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