This one’s my favorite, so
pardon me for being long winded. There is a Chinese saying “A
journey of 10,000 miles starts with one step.” For us to get to
the MRT, we have to start on the escalator before we get to the
train platform. And that’s where the discourtesy starts too………
Most people stand idly on the
escalator, as it goes up or down, surveying the rest of the world.
They are not in a hurry. That’s fine with me. Take your time. BUT
PLEASE – I beg you, please stand to the left and allow those who
are in a hurry to walk on the escalators if they want to. Never mind
their reasons being in a hurry, whether it is to meet their maker or
for their reincarnation. That is not your business. Your business is
simply to keep to your left. On behalf of the myriads of commuters
who are forever in a hurry and I was one of them not too long ago, I
beg you again, I implore you, PLEASE STAND TO YOUR LEFT. YOU
UNDERSTAND!
And canoodling couples. My
God! They are always hogging the escalators. They do not have the
sense to stand on different steps, with both keeping to the left and
keeping their hands to themselves. They will stand next to each
other, holding hands, hugging and occasionally kissing. They are
probably at courting stage. The quarrels and the fights have not
started yet.
I am married. So I can share
my experience on how to behave on the escalators when you are with
the wife. When going down the escalator, the wife goes first. Then
you follow 3 seconds later which means you are at least three steps
behind. Both of you keep to the left so that your fellow human beings
who are in a hurry to meet their maker will not have to elbow their
way through. Or having to repeat “Excuse, excuse” a thousand
times so that they will not be late for whatever they are trying not
to be late for.
When going up an escalator,
you go first. Then your wife follows 3 seconds thereafter. At this
juncture, you may pause to wonder why the wife has to go first on the
way down but you go first on the way up. Let me tell you. It has
nothing to do with “ladies first” on the way down or “male
chauvinism” on the way up. It is because if you say something wrong
and she decides to practice her punching skills, you are safely out
of reach. Unless your wife has long hands to match her mother’s big
mouth, in which case 5 seconds is recommended. My dearly departed
father-in-law needed a full 10 seconds.
But sometimes you find
yourself standing on the right for reasons beyond your control. When
that happens, and you hear impatient “Excuse! Excuse!” or some weirdo breathing heavily down your neck, please return to your left as
graciously as possible. Do not glare back at them. Unless you want
to start a fight. We are human beings with certain tolerance limits
so sometimes we do glare back at them. My tolerance limit is high.
It’s my upbringing. But when MM is with me, it goes down to zero.
I then not only glare back. I taunt them. I challenge them! Not to
fight with me, of course. I am a gentleman. I challenge them to fight
with Mighty Mouth, standing quietly besides me. It’s so fun to see
her manhandle three grown men. And with just one hand.
And while they are still
fighting, I found myself on the train platform. I count to 5 and MM
appears, cursing “They don’t even know how to write the word
“death” and they want to spar with me?” Once I had to count to ten before she appeared, dragging two of them. The third one could be heard shouting for help.
Anyway, you are now safely on
the train platform. And as you are about to breathe a sigh of relief,
you are bombarded with a series of announcements, “PLEASE ALLOW
PASSENGERS TO ALIGHT BEFORE BOARDING. PLEASE ALLOW PASSENGERS TO
ALIGHT BEFORE BOARDING.” "DO NOT STAND IN FRONT OF THE DOOR". About 50 times. Reinforced with the
yellow box in front of the car door.
The announcements and the
yellow boxes are no brainers. I know they are no brainers because
Mighty Mouth understands them and politely stands at the side of the
doors until all alighting passengers have alighted before she boards.
SO PLEASE TELL ME, THE REST OF
YOU WITH MORE BRAINS, WHY CAN’T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS VERY SIMPLE
INSTRUCTION? WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS RUSHING IN WHEN THERE ARE PASSENGERS
TRYING TO GET OUT?
WHY CAN’T YOU WAIT? WHAT IS
WRONG WITH YOU?
I better calm down. I
am about to get a heart attack. Breathe in. Breathe out. Sigh.
It
is just so sad. It happens every time. It happens every day.
Anyway, there I was, waiting for the train, keeping out of the
yellow box, queuing behind at least 3
others, determined not to take a step
forward until alighting
passengers have exited. The train stopped. But just before the doors
opened, passengers appeared out of
nowhere, jumping queues, standing inside the yellow box. Shouts of “Fast, fast.
Train here already!” could be heard. The three of us plus a few behind me, I am
sure, glared at them but do they care? No, they don’t. The young man in front
of me, built like Samson looked angry, but said nothing. The young lady behind
me, of even more ample proportions, (she reminded me of Dolly Parton) mumbled to herself but said nothing. So it
was left to yours truly to stand up for Singapore. But before I could even open
my mouth, the train doors opened and the ones on the yellow boxes rushed in.
Samson stood his grounds. But Dolly pushed forward, screaming “Must not let
them win!” And when Dolly pushed, even
Samson lurched forward, with me holding on to him for dear life! So what do you
think happened to me? I will stand up for Singapore next time. I promise.
And so I found myself on the train, courtesy of Dolly
Parton and no thanks to Samson. The
alighting passengers simply had no chance. Samson dragging me and Dolly pushing
me. I felt so loved. You may want to try it sometime. Sigh.
Now let the journey begins. But let me prepare the
uninitiated, the naive, the inexperienced, for this longest short journey of
your life.
But I need
sometime to rest after that arduous journey on the escalators. So please bear with me till then.........
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