CHAPTER 13: DISCOURTESY ON THE ROAD (PART 2)

The world should know that Singapore is not just a fine city. It is also a clean city. And if you don’t keep it clean, they fine you. And if the fines don’t work,  they use Corrective Work Orders. For the benefit of the many who react with a “Correct Work Order? What in the world…” let me explain. Simple philosophy. If you litter, you are fined. You pay for your littering to be cleaned up. But if you continue to litter again and again, that means paying fine does not work. Most people money no enough. You got money too plenty. So you go, on a given public holiday, to help clean the park. They don’t care whether you are Mr. Somebody or Mrs. Rich. You will go and the television crew will follow. And shame you. Does it work?

‘

Consider the following television interview of this supposedly Mrs. Rich when she was cleaning the park one hot Sunday under a CWC. She was one of those caught throwing cigarette butts from their cars. Then you tell me if it works.

TV Interviewer:      Madam, what was your offence?

Mrs. Rich::           I offended an NEA Officer; I shouted at him for wasting my time   and told him to speak to my lawyers.

TV Interviewer:     Oh, but what exactly did you do to be slapped with a CWC?

Mrs. Rich:             No, lah, they didn’t slap me lah.  They dare to slap me I sue them till their pants drop and they go bankrupt.

TV Interviewer:    Let me rephrase that. What did you do to be asked to perform   CWC?

Mrs. Rich:             Oh, I see. Well, they caught me throwing a cigarette butt out of my car.

TV Interviewer:    And how many times were you caught before they served you  with the CWC notice?

Mrs. Rich:             Three times only lah; I must have thrown cigarette butts out of the car hundreds of times but I think they are blind. They only caught me three times. So I am considered very lucky lor!

TV Interviewer:     Why didn’t you throw it into a small container first?

Mrs. Rich:            I have one in the car but no time to search for it; it was in my limited edition Gushee bag somewhere. Also I was driving so don’t expect me to search for it, right? Also very dangerous you know? Anyway, it was my driver’s fault. He went on emergency leave so I had to drive myself  lor. Must sack him. By the way, you can introduce a good driver to me or not?

TV Interviewer:    Oh, what about a part time driver? What is the pay like? I ……….. Oops, sorry, this is Alphonse Mistakang reporting live from East Coast Parkway. Madam, why didn’t you stop the car somewhere and take out the container from your limited edition Gushee?

Mrs. Rich:             Waste time only; I was in a hurry to close a very very big business deal so don’t expect me to stop, right? Anyway, I thought I kena  fined only; any amount I can also afford to pay.  How do I know I kena CWC instead?

TV Interviewer:    Why didn’t you just put the cigarette butt into your car ashtray first?

Mrs. Rich:             You crazy ah? Why should I dirty my brand new BMW? I pay so much road tax let them clean the road lah! Eh, when will this be aired? Must tell my kakis to watch leh. Today I am carrying my new Elvie handbag. See, so expensive looking, right? This one also limited edition; got money also cannot buy anymore.

I rest my case.

Discourtesy on the road is not the exclusive privilege of car drivers only. Pedestrians have their fair share, especially jay walkers.  For some inexplicable reasons, the part of Orchard Road from CK Tang to Paragon has most jaywalkers.  They cross the road at  whichever point they like, whenever they like. And if drivers have the audacity to express their frustration by honking at them, they will either glare  back aggressively or give them the thumbs up – with their middle finger. Really!

Consider the following television interview of a jay walker caught in the act:-

TV Interviewer:    This is Alphonse Mistakang reporting live from Orchard. I have with me this lady who was caught jay walking by the traffic police a short while ago. Good morning  madam. So they threw the book at you for jay walking?

Jay Walker:          No lah, they didn’t throw anything at me. They dare to throw anything at me, I will throw it back for sure. I used to be a tennis player you know? They used to call me the Sharapova of Singapore! Do you want to know why?

TV Interviewer:    Of course, madam, er, why did they call you the Sharapova of Singapore? Because you were the best?

Jay Walker:          No, la. Because I could scream louder than Sharapova anytime! You want to hear me scream?

TV Interviewer:    Er, no, not now. Thank you. We are live on TV. Let me ask you again. So, they gave you a ticket for jay walking?

Jay Walker:           No, thank you very much. If I want to jay walk, I will buy my own ticket. I can afford to pay any amount.

TV Interviewer:    Let me try one more time. They fined you for jay walking?

Jay Walker:           Oh, yes, they fined me. So stupid. Fining someone for crossing the road in a hurry. I already told them I was in a hurry that was why I ran across from Wisma Atria to Lucky Plaza. Next time I cross slow slow.

TV Interviewer:    So how much was the compound?

  

Jay Walker:           Oh, you very clever, you. How did you know my house got a big compound? No, I don’t know how much the compound cost. I bought it with the house. Very lucky, I bought at the right time. Just before…

TV Interviewer:    Sorry, madam, I mean, how much was the fine?

  

Jay Walker:          Oh, the fine. I forgotten la. They want me to pay on the spot. I gave them my Century card. Their eyes grew so big. Never seen a Century card before I think. They say I can pay online. So I don’t know how much. You want to see my Century card or not? Only 100 people in Singapore got this card that's why they call it a Century card. Vary rate.

TV Interviewer:    Oh, no, it’s ok. We are live on television. Last question, if you please. Do you think you will jay walk again?

Jay Walker:          Of course la, just pay a fine then you get to appear live on TV. So cheap. Next week, if you come again, I will make sure I kena fine so  you can interview me with my new bearskin Hermessy? So expensive. I ordered three years ago only deliver next Monday so Tuesday I sure jay walk again.

TV Interviewer:     Madam, you mean birkin, right?

Jay Walker:            Yes, yes, you clever, very few people knows about bearskin messy handbag. 

Suddenly Madam Jay Walker stopped, looked at the TV interviewer and then went all excited:

Jay Walker:       I remember you now. No wonder you looked familiar! You interviewed me at East Coast Parkway when I volunteered to clean the park! You are Mr. Mistaken!

TV Interviewer:     No, no, you are mistaken, I am not mistaken, I  mean my name is                                   not "Mistaken";  it is  Mistakang. And you didn’t volunteer…

Jay Walker:           Mr. Kang? But you don’t look very Chinese leh!  Or maybe Chinese father, right? By the way, you still interested to be my part time driver or not?

Sigh, I rest my case again. And will get off the road for good.

 CHAPTER 12: HOW ABOUT DISCOURTESY ON THE ROAD? (PART 1)

“The road to Heaven is paved!” Yes,   so is the road to hell! And no road is paved so well as the roads in Singapore.  This ensures a smooth ride to your destination, be it Heaven or Hell.

If you are a new driver in Singapore, having obtained your driving license after the 5 tries (6 for CCB,  8 and still counting for  Blackie) you are required to display a “P” sign on your rear screen so that other road users will give you due consideration. Hopefully. And because you are still not that confident yet, you also wish they give you more space. Hopefully. And that they will be kind and not honk at you unnecessarily to make you more nervous than you already are. Hopefully.

STOP HOPING! NOTHING COULD BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH. REALLY ONE!

Even what the “P” stands for is a classified secret. CB thinks it is “Probationary”. Blackie insisted it means “Professional” For someone who failed his driving test 8 times, I think he is either naïve or stupid. Or both.  If he ever gets a driving license, “P” will stand for “Pest”. But as I am still not on talking terms with him, ever since he told everyone in the neighborhood I was the uncle in the YouTube which went viral showing a man trying to grab ahem something. He is a traitor and I wish him continued failure in his future driving tests.

Anyway, a “P” driver driving slowly but have somehow got into the right outermost lane, will be honked till thy kingdom come. Then they will overtake you, and as they do, they put out one hand to convey their warmest regards. Don’t try to interpret. You may either blush or become so nervous  you will definitely cause an accident.

Once in a while you will meet a kind soul. He doesn’t honk at you. He waits patiently and then when it is safe, he overtakes. And as he overtakes, he puts out a hand to give you the thumb’s up. Except that the thumb is not up. The middle finger is. Courtesy on the road. Sigh.

Nothing excites  Singapore drivers more than the siren of an ambulance!  Provided they are not in it, of course! They slow down respectfully so that the ambulance can overtake them. The minute they are overtaken, they start chasing – like ambulance chasers do. So don’t be surprised if the driver is from the legal profession. Or one of their touts!

Road accidents also create excitement for road users for another reason. They slow down, take photos of the registration plates of the vehicles involved. They cause massive jams in the process. Why? Why? You asking me why? TO PLACE BETS ON THE BLOODY 4D, THAT’S WHY. And if they are unable to see the registration plates they become very imaginative.

 So let me tell you what happened to Apoo on one occasion. It was a Saturday and he called me at home out of the blue, shouting “Eh KK!  Please ask your Mighty Mouth what is the 4D number for  tortoise.”  I started to ask him  what it was all about but he wasn’t listening. “Just get me the number lah, please! I am on a bus, okay?” So I shouted to Mighty Mouth who  shouted back in one second flat, and loud enough for Apoo to hear without my having to repeat! “2975 big tortoise,  2678  small tortoise”  and giving me the once over she added “2895 short  tortoise!” She is  amazing! She  remembers everything, just like an elephant!  I  hope she remembers that she is going to get elephantiasis very soon!

Apoo responded “Aiya, why so many types of tortoises. I will just buy the big tortoise lah!”

Tortoises big or small, tall or short, did not appear on the list of  winning numbers of that evening’s draw. First prize for that draw was  “9432” ! Apoo came over to my place that evening  and MM, who was in a good mood, asked him “Aiya, Apoo, why did you buy the number for tortoise? You saw a tortoise is it? I also bought the same number you know. But I also bought turtle just in case you see wrong.” She then smiled her wicked smile as she waited for the next question and I waited for my heart attack. Something has gone very wrong.

Apoo asked the question “First prize number, auntie, 9432, what number is that?” And the auntie, my torturer, my MIL, my nemesis, she replied “TURTLE”.

And Apoo replied “Aiya, Aunty, I saw an accident and this car turned tortoise so I buy the number for tortoise lor!”

I nearly killed him. I really nearly killed him. That stupid idiot. Why didn’t he explain what happened and we would both have won and we would be smiling with my MM as well, who, by the way, didn’t want to tell me how much she struck.

I am going to bed. Maybe have a good cry. But I will never forgive Apoo.

CARS TURN TURTLE, APOO, TURN TURTLE. NOT TORTOISE

CHAPTER 11: DISCOURTESY ON THE BUS

Firstly, I must tell you this story – and for the record, this is not a tall tale. It actually happened many years ago. A friend of mine (and I will not reveal his identity) was queuing for a bus. There was a sweet young lady in front of him. As they were boarding the bus, the  young lady realized her skirt was too tight and she was having  trouble going up the bus so she reached behind her with both hands to unzip and loosen her skirt. After unzipping a little, she attempted to go up the bus again but the skirt was still too tight. So she tried once more, again reaching behind herself with both hands. Unfortunately, it was still an uphill task. As she reached behind  her skirt for the third time, my friend decided to play the good Samaritan and lifted her up the bus with both hands on her waist. She was shocked and turned around screaming “How dare you!” And my friend smiled at her and  calmly replied “Well, as you have unzipped my fly twice already, I thought that was the least I could do for you!” She turned crimson red. There is a happy ending to this episode – they started dating and got married. They had two boys both of whom received specific instructions from their father that they must never help any young lady go up the bus in the same manner. For someone who met his wife that way, I think you would agree with me that CB should be thanking his lucky star, right?  Oops! Did I just let the cat out of the bag?”

Let us get back to the bus.  I assume that you  have mastered the “Horse Stance” as recommended earlier for the MRT ride? If you have, good for you. But I urge you to go for a refresher course because  for the bus ride, you need an even stronger pair of legs.  If you have not, then please avoid taking the bus or do so at your own peril.

Yes, you can expect a bumpier ride on the bus, and also more fights and very, very entertaining conversations. But you will miss contending with passengers rushing in when you are trying to get out. Bus passengers are  more disciplined simply because the bus captains are  always visible and the more experienced ones actually build rapport with  their passengers. Of course, it helps that there is an exit towards the end of the bus and this exit does not permit boarding. Even if you decide to alight  through the front, under the watchful eyes of the bus captains, the  boarding passengers will wait patiently until you are off the bus. Which makes me think – why can’t SMRT experiment with this,  alternate doors for exit and entrance? I better put on record that I “choped” this idea first,  okay?

On your bus ride you will meet with some passengers who think that bus fares are perpetually on promotion – buy one get one free. These passengers take one seat for themselves, and one for whatever they are carrying, big or small. You can stare at them but they don’t care. Unless you have a “built for the kill” body with  intimidating looks to boot, these passengers may give up their second seat, albeit reluctantly.  My MIL don’t have to stare. She just glance at the offending item and it disappears, with the owner patting the seat, cooling it down and offering it to Mighty Mouth, unsolicited.

The morning rush hour “going to work” passengers have behavioral patterns different from that of the evening rush hour “going home” passenger.

The “going to work” passengers are subdued, tight-lipped, fumbling nervously with smart phones/ipads, playing games, biting finger nails etc. etc.

The “I am going home” type of  passengers, on the other hand, are free-spirited, going back to the comfort zones, don’t have to face the boss or worry about work for the next 12 hours, at least. So they let down their hair, listen to music, do a bit of pole dancing and talk. Boy, do they talk. Loose tongues and loud voice – as you will learn, is a nasty combination:

I recorded this conversation on a bus ride  

First young man: Are you still dating Daisy?

Second young man: Oh, no! That was ages ago! I  dumped her….no, I shouldn’t say that – we broke up  and I was  going out with a girl named Rose for a couple of months but that didn’t work out either. I am now dating Lily.

First young man: What happened with Daisy?

Second young man: She wilted. Also she was very into gourmet food and expects me to take her to expensive restaurants all the time.  Not that I cannot afford it but I prefer girls who rather cook a simple meal for me occasionally.

First young man: I thought Daisy took you   to meet her mother?

Second young man: Ya lor! And that was when I suddenly realized  she had wilted – Daisy I mean. Her mother probably wilted decades ago. Anyway,  nowadays, if I am still interested  after a couple of dates, I make it a point to meet  the mother so that I can decide if we should continue………

First young man: So I take it you have met Lily’s mother?

Second young man: Oh, yes, I like her very much. She is both deaf and dumb.

Great minds think alike, young man, you do have a bright future. I wished I had that foresight when I was your age but I am not one to cry over spilt milk. Nevertheless,  I hasten to add that you are a little bit wet behind your ears!  I suggest you see a psychiatrist – you may have a flower fetish. By the way, my mother-in-law used to be called “Frangipani” when she was young. Let me know when your Lily has wilted; I will introduce you to Fangie!

Then there are commuters who shout into their mobile phones  to the consternation of some fellow commuters and the delight of the  rest a.k.a. .busybodies. I am not one of the busybodies – I  don’t eavesdrop. In any case, eavesdropping isn’t required, not when they speak at 1000 decibels and practically  making announcements to whoever wants to listen. It so happened that I was  standing  next to this lady  who was probably delighted to have me  record her conversation  which is  reproduced below for your entertainment:-

Lady Gossiper: Rose! Glad I managed to get hold of you! Wanted to tell you I dumped you know who! So glad to get rid of him. You won’t believe this but I think he was just putting on a show. All the talks about him being very well paid and coming from a rich family is just hot air.

Pause

He expects me to eat at food courts all the time and even had the gall to suggest I cook for him! What does he take me for? A maid? So I dropped him like a hot potato!

Pause

No, no, that’s not true. I was the one asked for the break up, of course! In my entire life, I have never been dumped. I am always the one to do the dumping! I can swear if you don’t believe me!  Who told you that?

Pause

Oh, that Lily! Of course she will tell everyone that her new boyfriend dumped me for her. Otherwise, she will lose face for picking up that piece of trash which I  already throw one. Of course I dumped him first. Anyway, if  she continues to gossip about me I am going to give her one tight slap!”

I got off the bus. She looked like she was getting ready to give someone, anyone, a tight slap.