CHAPTER 12: HOW ABOUT DISCOURTESY ON THE ROAD? (PART 1)

“The road to Heaven is paved!” Yes,   so is the road to hell! And no road is paved so well as the roads in Singapore.  This ensures a smooth ride to your destination, be it Heaven or Hell.

If you are a new driver in Singapore, having obtained your driving license after the 5 tries (6 for CCB,  8 and still counting for  Blackie) you are required to display a “P” sign on your rear screen so that other road users will give you due consideration. Hopefully. And because you are still not that confident yet, you also wish they give you more space. Hopefully. And that they will be kind and not honk at you unnecessarily to make you more nervous than you already are. Hopefully.

STOP HOPING! NOTHING COULD BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH. REALLY ONE!

Even what the “P” stands for is a classified secret. CB thinks it is “Probationary”. Blackie insisted it means “Professional” For someone who failed his driving test 8 times, I think he is either naïve or stupid. Or both.  If he ever gets a driving license, “P” will stand for “Pest”. But as I am still not on talking terms with him, ever since he told everyone in the neighborhood I was the uncle in the YouTube which went viral showing a man trying to grab ahem something. He is a traitor and I wish him continued failure in his future driving tests.

Anyway, a “P” driver driving slowly but have somehow got into the right outermost lane, will be honked till thy kingdom come. Then they will overtake you, and as they do, they put out one hand to convey their warmest regards. Don’t try to interpret. You may either blush or become so nervous  you will definitely cause an accident.

Once in a while you will meet a kind soul. He doesn’t honk at you. He waits patiently and then when it is safe, he overtakes. And as he overtakes, he puts out a hand to give you the thumb’s up. Except that the thumb is not up. The middle finger is. Courtesy on the road. Sigh.

Nothing excites  Singapore drivers more than the siren of an ambulance!  Provided they are not in it, of course! They slow down respectfully so that the ambulance can overtake them. The minute they are overtaken, they start chasing – like ambulance chasers do. So don’t be surprised if the driver is from the legal profession. Or one of their touts!

Road accidents also create excitement for road users for another reason. They slow down, take photos of the registration plates of the vehicles involved. They cause massive jams in the process. Why? Why? You asking me why? TO PLACE BETS ON THE BLOODY 4D, THAT’S WHY. And if they are unable to see the registration plates they become very imaginative.

 So let me tell you what happened to Apoo on one occasion. It was a Saturday and he called me at home out of the blue, shouting “Eh KK!  Please ask your Mighty Mouth what is the 4D number for  tortoise.”  I started to ask him  what it was all about but he wasn’t listening. “Just get me the number lah, please! I am on a bus, okay?” So I shouted to Mighty Mouth who  shouted back in one second flat, and loud enough for Apoo to hear without my having to repeat! “2975 big tortoise,  2678  small tortoise”  and giving me the once over she added “2895 short  tortoise!” She is  amazing! She  remembers everything, just like an elephant!  I  hope she remembers that she is going to get elephantiasis very soon!

Apoo responded “Aiya, why so many types of tortoises. I will just buy the big tortoise lah!”

Tortoises big or small, tall or short, did not appear on the list of  winning numbers of that evening’s draw. First prize for that draw was  “9432” ! Apoo came over to my place that evening  and MM, who was in a good mood, asked him “Aiya, Apoo, why did you buy the number for tortoise? You saw a tortoise is it? I also bought the same number you know. But I also bought turtle just in case you see wrong.” She then smiled her wicked smile as she waited for the next question and I waited for my heart attack. Something has gone very wrong.

Apoo asked the question “First prize number, auntie, 9432, what number is that?” And the auntie, my torturer, my MIL, my nemesis, she replied “TURTLE”.

And Apoo replied “Aiya, Aunty, I saw an accident and this car turned tortoise so I buy the number for tortoise lor!”

I nearly killed him. I really nearly killed him. That stupid idiot. Why didn’t he explain what happened and we would both have won and we would be smiling with my MM as well, who, by the way, didn’t want to tell me how much she struck.

I am going to bed. Maybe have a good cry. But I will never forgive Apoo.

CARS TURN TURTLE, APOO, TURN TURTLE. NOT TORTOISE