CHAPTER 13: DISCOURTESY ON THE ROAD (PART 2)

The world should know that Singapore is not just a fine city. It is also a clean city. And if you don’t keep it clean, they fine you. And if the fines don’t work,  they use Corrective Work Orders. For the benefit of the many who react with a “Correct Work Order? What in the world…” let me explain. Simple philosophy. If you litter, you are fined. You pay for your littering to be cleaned up. But if you continue to litter again and again, that means paying fine does not work. Most people money no enough. You got money too plenty. So you go, on a given public holiday, to help clean the park. They don’t care whether you are Mr. Somebody or Mrs. Rich. You will go and the television crew will follow. And shame you. Does it work?

‘

Consider the following television interview of this supposedly Mrs. Rich when she was cleaning the park one hot Sunday under a CWC. She was one of those caught throwing cigarette butts from their cars. Then you tell me if it works.

TV Interviewer:      Madam, what was your offence?

Mrs. Rich::           I offended an NEA Officer; I shouted at him for wasting my time   and told him to speak to my lawyers.

TV Interviewer:     Oh, but what exactly did you do to be slapped with a CWC?

Mrs. Rich:             No, lah, they didn’t slap me lah.  They dare to slap me I sue them till their pants drop and they go bankrupt.

TV Interviewer:    Let me rephrase that. What did you do to be asked to perform   CWC?

Mrs. Rich:             Oh, I see. Well, they caught me throwing a cigarette butt out of my car.

TV Interviewer:    And how many times were you caught before they served you  with the CWC notice?

Mrs. Rich:             Three times only lah; I must have thrown cigarette butts out of the car hundreds of times but I think they are blind. They only caught me three times. So I am considered very lucky lor!

TV Interviewer:     Why didn’t you throw it into a small container first?

Mrs. Rich:            I have one in the car but no time to search for it; it was in my limited edition Gushee bag somewhere. Also I was driving so don’t expect me to search for it, right? Also very dangerous you know? Anyway, it was my driver’s fault. He went on emergency leave so I had to drive myself  lor. Must sack him. By the way, you can introduce a good driver to me or not?

TV Interviewer:    Oh, what about a part time driver? What is the pay like? I ……….. Oops, sorry, this is Alphonse Mistakang reporting live from East Coast Parkway. Madam, why didn’t you stop the car somewhere and take out the container from your limited edition Gushee?

Mrs. Rich:             Waste time only; I was in a hurry to close a very very big business deal so don’t expect me to stop, right? Anyway, I thought I kena  fined only; any amount I can also afford to pay.  How do I know I kena CWC instead?

TV Interviewer:    Why didn’t you just put the cigarette butt into your car ashtray first?

Mrs. Rich:             You crazy ah? Why should I dirty my brand new BMW? I pay so much road tax let them clean the road lah! Eh, when will this be aired? Must tell my kakis to watch leh. Today I am carrying my new Elvie handbag. See, so expensive looking, right? This one also limited edition; got money also cannot buy anymore.

I rest my case.

Discourtesy on the road is not the exclusive privilege of car drivers only. Pedestrians have their fair share, especially jay walkers.  For some inexplicable reasons, the part of Orchard Road from CK Tang to Paragon has most jaywalkers.  They cross the road at  whichever point they like, whenever they like. And if drivers have the audacity to express their frustration by honking at them, they will either glare  back aggressively or give them the thumbs up – with their middle finger. Really!

Consider the following television interview of a jay walker caught in the act:-

TV Interviewer:    This is Alphonse Mistakang reporting live from Orchard. I have with me this lady who was caught jay walking by the traffic police a short while ago. Good morning  madam. So they threw the book at you for jay walking?

Jay Walker:          No lah, they didn’t throw anything at me. They dare to throw anything at me, I will throw it back for sure. I used to be a tennis player you know? They used to call me the Sharapova of Singapore! Do you want to know why?

TV Interviewer:    Of course, madam, er, why did they call you the Sharapova of Singapore? Because you were the best?

Jay Walker:          No, la. Because I could scream louder than Sharapova anytime! You want to hear me scream?

TV Interviewer:    Er, no, not now. Thank you. We are live on TV. Let me ask you again. So, they gave you a ticket for jay walking?

Jay Walker:           No, thank you very much. If I want to jay walk, I will buy my own ticket. I can afford to pay any amount.

TV Interviewer:    Let me try one more time. They fined you for jay walking?

Jay Walker:           Oh, yes, they fined me. So stupid. Fining someone for crossing the road in a hurry. I already told them I was in a hurry that was why I ran across from Wisma Atria to Lucky Plaza. Next time I cross slow slow.

TV Interviewer:    So how much was the compound?

  

Jay Walker:           Oh, you very clever, you. How did you know my house got a big compound? No, I don’t know how much the compound cost. I bought it with the house. Very lucky, I bought at the right time. Just before…

TV Interviewer:    Sorry, madam, I mean, how much was the fine?

  

Jay Walker:          Oh, the fine. I forgotten la. They want me to pay on the spot. I gave them my Century card. Their eyes grew so big. Never seen a Century card before I think. They say I can pay online. So I don’t know how much. You want to see my Century card or not? Only 100 people in Singapore got this card that's why they call it a Century card. Vary rate.

TV Interviewer:    Oh, no, it’s ok. We are live on television. Last question, if you please. Do you think you will jay walk again?

Jay Walker:          Of course la, just pay a fine then you get to appear live on TV. So cheap. Next week, if you come again, I will make sure I kena fine so  you can interview me with my new bearskin Hermessy? So expensive. I ordered three years ago only deliver next Monday so Tuesday I sure jay walk again.

TV Interviewer:     Madam, you mean birkin, right?

Jay Walker:            Yes, yes, you clever, very few people knows about bearskin messy handbag. 

Suddenly Madam Jay Walker stopped, looked at the TV interviewer and then went all excited:

Jay Walker:       I remember you now. No wonder you looked familiar! You interviewed me at East Coast Parkway when I volunteered to clean the park! You are Mr. Mistaken!

TV Interviewer:     No, no, you are mistaken, I am not mistaken, I  mean my name is                                   not "Mistaken";  it is  Mistakang. And you didn’t volunteer…

Jay Walker:           Mr. Kang? But you don’t look very Chinese leh!  Or maybe Chinese father, right? By the way, you still interested to be my part time driver or not?

Sigh, I rest my case again. And will get off the road for good.