CHAPTER 11: DISCOURTESY ON THE BUS

Firstly, I must tell you this story – and for the record, this is not a tall tale. It actually happened many years ago. A friend of mine (and I will not reveal his identity) was queuing for a bus. There was a sweet young lady in front of him. As they were boarding the bus, the  young lady realized her skirt was too tight and she was having  trouble going up the bus so she reached behind her with both hands to unzip and loosen her skirt. After unzipping a little, she attempted to go up the bus again but the skirt was still too tight. So she tried once more, again reaching behind herself with both hands. Unfortunately, it was still an uphill task. As she reached behind  her skirt for the third time, my friend decided to play the good Samaritan and lifted her up the bus with both hands on her waist. She was shocked and turned around screaming “How dare you!” And my friend smiled at her and  calmly replied “Well, as you have unzipped my fly twice already, I thought that was the least I could do for you!” She turned crimson red. There is a happy ending to this episode – they started dating and got married. They had two boys both of whom received specific instructions from their father that they must never help any young lady go up the bus in the same manner. For someone who met his wife that way, I think you would agree with me that CB should be thanking his lucky star, right?  Oops! Did I just let the cat out of the bag?”

Let us get back to the bus.  I assume that you  have mastered the “Horse Stance” as recommended earlier for the MRT ride? If you have, good for you. But I urge you to go for a refresher course because  for the bus ride, you need an even stronger pair of legs.  If you have not, then please avoid taking the bus or do so at your own peril.

Yes, you can expect a bumpier ride on the bus, and also more fights and very, very entertaining conversations. But you will miss contending with passengers rushing in when you are trying to get out. Bus passengers are  more disciplined simply because the bus captains are  always visible and the more experienced ones actually build rapport with  their passengers. Of course, it helps that there is an exit towards the end of the bus and this exit does not permit boarding. Even if you decide to alight  through the front, under the watchful eyes of the bus captains, the  boarding passengers will wait patiently until you are off the bus. Which makes me think – why can’t SMRT experiment with this,  alternate doors for exit and entrance? I better put on record that I “choped” this idea first,  okay?

On your bus ride you will meet with some passengers who think that bus fares are perpetually on promotion – buy one get one free. These passengers take one seat for themselves, and one for whatever they are carrying, big or small. You can stare at them but they don’t care. Unless you have a “built for the kill” body with  intimidating looks to boot, these passengers may give up their second seat, albeit reluctantly.  My MIL don’t have to stare. She just glance at the offending item and it disappears, with the owner patting the seat, cooling it down and offering it to Mighty Mouth, unsolicited.

The morning rush hour “going to work” passengers have behavioral patterns different from that of the evening rush hour “going home” passenger.

The “going to work” passengers are subdued, tight-lipped, fumbling nervously with smart phones/ipads, playing games, biting finger nails etc. etc.

The “I am going home” type of  passengers, on the other hand, are free-spirited, going back to the comfort zones, don’t have to face the boss or worry about work for the next 12 hours, at least. So they let down their hair, listen to music, do a bit of pole dancing and talk. Boy, do they talk. Loose tongues and loud voice – as you will learn, is a nasty combination:

I recorded this conversation on a bus ride  

First young man: Are you still dating Daisy?

Second young man: Oh, no! That was ages ago! I  dumped her….no, I shouldn’t say that – we broke up  and I was  going out with a girl named Rose for a couple of months but that didn’t work out either. I am now dating Lily.

First young man: What happened with Daisy?

Second young man: She wilted. Also she was very into gourmet food and expects me to take her to expensive restaurants all the time.  Not that I cannot afford it but I prefer girls who rather cook a simple meal for me occasionally.

First young man: I thought Daisy took you   to meet her mother?

Second young man: Ya lor! And that was when I suddenly realized  she had wilted – Daisy I mean. Her mother probably wilted decades ago. Anyway,  nowadays, if I am still interested  after a couple of dates, I make it a point to meet  the mother so that I can decide if we should continue………

First young man: So I take it you have met Lily’s mother?

Second young man: Oh, yes, I like her very much. She is both deaf and dumb.

Great minds think alike, young man, you do have a bright future. I wished I had that foresight when I was your age but I am not one to cry over spilt milk. Nevertheless,  I hasten to add that you are a little bit wet behind your ears!  I suggest you see a psychiatrist – you may have a flower fetish. By the way, my mother-in-law used to be called “Frangipani” when she was young. Let me know when your Lily has wilted; I will introduce you to Fangie!

Then there are commuters who shout into their mobile phones  to the consternation of some fellow commuters and the delight of the  rest a.k.a. .busybodies. I am not one of the busybodies – I  don’t eavesdrop. In any case, eavesdropping isn’t required, not when they speak at 1000 decibels and practically  making announcements to whoever wants to listen. It so happened that I was  standing  next to this lady  who was probably delighted to have me  record her conversation  which is  reproduced below for your entertainment:-

Lady Gossiper: Rose! Glad I managed to get hold of you! Wanted to tell you I dumped you know who! So glad to get rid of him. You won’t believe this but I think he was just putting on a show. All the talks about him being very well paid and coming from a rich family is just hot air.

Pause

He expects me to eat at food courts all the time and even had the gall to suggest I cook for him! What does he take me for? A maid? So I dropped him like a hot potato!

Pause

No, no, that’s not true. I was the one asked for the break up, of course! In my entire life, I have never been dumped. I am always the one to do the dumping! I can swear if you don’t believe me!  Who told you that?

Pause

Oh, that Lily! Of course she will tell everyone that her new boyfriend dumped me for her. Otherwise, she will lose face for picking up that piece of trash which I  already throw one. Of course I dumped him first. Anyway, if  she continues to gossip about me I am going to give her one tight slap!”

I got off the bus. She looked like she was getting ready to give someone, anyone, a tight slap.