I
hate to say I told you so, but I told you so! Discourtesy has spread
to your neighborhood. If only you
sons-in-law out there
had listened to me for once, if only you
had had
the courage to wash your
mother-in-law’s mouth out with soap………..
The
evening after MM crossed swords with Black Face, I was about to
unlock
the door to my flat
when it
suddenly opened and I was shocked to see a smiling MM, not only
opening but holding the door for me, welcoming me home with the smile
of the century. It’s about time she starts showing respect to the
man of the house.
So I returned her smile and
said sweetly “Why you so happy, mother?” I call her mother
whenever I am in a good mood -which is when she is in a bad mood. I
call her unprintable names when I am in a bad mood. Which is when she
is in a good mood. Behind her back, of course! Why risks life and
limbs?
“Black
Face’s mother died in her sleep last night!” A chill went down my
spine and I looked at this woman, mother of the wife, with renewed
awe, respect and fear., though not necessarily in that order. And
swore to myself never to make her angry again. Cross my heart and
hope to die.
So I took
it upon myself to round up the neighborhood sons-in-law,
starting with Black Face’s husband, aptly nicknamed The
Blackie because of his wife’s black face,
and his dearly departed mother-in-law’s
even blacker face. He will be pleased to be the star of the show. No
disrespect intended.
I managed
to get hold of 9 fellow sons-in-law, 8 of whom agreed to meet at the Citizens’ Corner of Block 202, a safe distance away from 216
where the wake was to be held. The idiot
who could not attend was Ah Miow. Yes, Ah Miow as in cat. He told me
his mother-in-law said “NO”.
The Blackie,
the bereaved son-in-law, was late as usual. The rest asked the same question “How much white
gold do you think I should give?” White gold is the term the
Chinese uses for condolence money to help the bereaved family defray
the costs of a funeral. The amount one contributes should be, in my
opinion, directly proportional to the contributor’s eagerness in
bidding farewell to the deceased. If you are male and do not
understand this simple logic, wait till you grow up and get a
mother-in-law of your own.
I asked
them sternly “What would you give to have
the good fortune to help bury your own mother-in-law? Use that as a
guideline!” My good friend, CB the Dandy
shouted “I
would be ready to part with my entire fortune to have that kind of
good fortune! So for Blackie’s
mother-in-law, I will give one k.” I almost choked – I couldn't believe my ears. “One k? You mean one thousand, right? Singapore
dollars, Malaysian ringgit or Indonesian rupiah?” I hate to do this
but he is one slippery customer.
His
immediate reply was “Singapore
Dollars lah, of course! You want euro also can, you want US dollar
also can!” I settled for Singapore dollars. Now, if CB
really contributes one thousand Singapore dollars, that
could appease the spirit of this
dead mother-in-law and she might leave my
family alone. Hopefully. But of course, she can haunt Mighty Mouth
for cursing her to death. That’s only fair.
And at that
point of time, the bereaved son-in-law appeared, a can of beer in
hand, announcing dramatically, in his loud booming voice:
GENTLEMEN,
APOLOGIES FOR BEING LATE. MY MOTHER-IN-LAW IS LATE TOO. SHE'S NOW MY WONDERFULLY LATE MOTHER-IN-LAW!
And with
that, the star of the show, the mourning son-in-law, The Blackie,
started laughing. He laughed so hard, tears were streaming down his cheek. But
they were obviously tears of joy. How can he be so disrespectful?
The party
has begun. We, the sons-in-law of Ang Mo Kio
must lead the way in showing Singapore that Blackie’s mother-in-law
may be dead. But courtesy is alive.
I must remind these good friends of mine, especially CB, not to wake up the dead at this wake.
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