CHAPTER 5: WAKING UP THE DEAD AT A WAKE

So there we were, 8 of us, at the void deck of Block 216 where the wake was held, for the premiere of “MURDER BY CURSING.”

No, that was not right. We have to be respectful to the dearly departed, mindful of the bereaved and courteous to their guests. Allow me to start again.

So there we were, 8 of us, looking sad and somber. Blackie had gone ahead to Block 216 to take his position by the coffin, looking distraught, disheveled and sadder than the 8 of us combined. A complete change from the flamboyant Blackie at Block 202 just minutes ago. CCB The Danielle has disappeared with his one thousand dollars. I made a mental note to give Blackie an honorary Oscar and CCB a broken bone.

As we approach the coffin, Blackie started sobbing while his wife looked shocked and the 8 of us looked away.

After Blackie grabbed our hands to thank us, we adjourned to the white gold station, for want of a better word. There each of us coughed up our agreed $50 per head. Almost like paying for a buffet without the plus plus. And that was when CCB appeared. He avoided eye contact, walked straight to Blackie, hugged each other like long lost brothers and then went to the coffin. He bent over to look at the dearly departed and to our horror, his shoulders started heaving up and down! He was sobbing! He must either be practicing for his own mother-in-law’s farewell party or feeling bad about not keeping his promise of $1,000. This I must see for myself. CCB crying at a wake? So I walked over and was shocked to see him prying open the fist of the dearly departed!

The man is sick! I saw him inserting something into the fist and talking incoherently at the same time.

Before I could say anything, we were herded by Blackie to a table furthermost from the coffin. An assortment of drinks were waiting. The party has really begun!

Friends and relatives were milling all around us. CCB just got himself a reprieve.

Before we were all seated, Apoo from Block 222 started the ball rolling “Blackie, we must drink to your mother-in-law. A fantastic lady. Eighty five, and she didn’t need glasses! I heard she drank straight from the bottle!”

Blackie apparently never heard this one before, laughed hysterically, and did the unthinkable! The son-in-law joined in the mother-in-law joke session of his own mother-in-law’s wake!” Unheard of! His rejoinder “None of your mothers-in-law can beat mine in the big mouth category! She could eat bananas sideways!”

I  should protest – my Mighty Mouth definitely win in that category but I didn’t want to outdo the star of the show. Besides, I had promised myself to be in my best behavior. The squeals of laughter following the opening acts caught the attention of everyone on the void deck and they were all looking at us. I squirmed a little.

Andrew pretended to be disgusted and shouted “Hello, guys, don’t forget we are at a wake!” before he started laughing and thumping the table as well. The rest of us joined in.. My laughter was, however, somewhat restrained. It's my upbringing...........

Tony took the cue from Andrew and added after the first round of laughter subsided “I heard her left hook could give Blackie a black right eye in two seconds flat!” Now wait a minute, how did they know about my dream? The one turned nightmare? Before I could say anything, Stanley, the very quiet Stanley volunteered a question. Turning to Blackie he asked in a serious tone which gave the knights of the round table another reason to laugh and to thump table again “Your mother-in-law, cremate or bury?”

Blackie pretended to lower his voice,  looked around seriously before whispering loud enough for everyone to hear “Cremate first and then bury. Play safe, I don't take risks!”

Everyone went ballistic, and Apoo was laughing till tears were rolling down his cheeks. Then out of the blue, Stanley the Quiet chipped in “Maybe you should bury her in a 10 foot deep grave! I heard that deep down, she was a wonderful mother-in-law!”

No one laughed. We just stared at this new talent, mouths wide opened, scratching our heads. Where has he been hiding? Embarrassed, thinking his first attempt at telling a joke had fallen flat, Stanley mumbled an excuse and walked quickly away. His hasty retreat was greeted by shrieks of laughter and his walk turned into a run. Poor fellow. He must have thought we were laughing at him.

“Hey fellows, are we at this wake to pay our last respects or are we here to wake up the dead?” All of the idiots including the mourning son-in-law, shouted in unison “WAKE UP THE DEAD!” followed by another round of prolonged laughter. I started to protest but they simply ignored me. How did I get embroiled with this group of uncouth people? 

I gave up. I threw caution to the wind. MM won’t be at the wake. She wouldn’t dare make an appearance especially since my rumor-mongers helped spread the word she killed, no, she murdered Blackie’s mother-in-law by cursing her! It’s about time I show these upstarts a thing or two about the art of telling mothers-in-law jokes. I stood up, put up my hands to gesture that I had something important to say but the disrespectful idiots around the table didn’t look my way. So I stood on a chair and finally got their attention.

“Let’s talk about my own mother-in-law for a change. The Mighty Mouth of Singapore. Did you guys know she got married a month, no, 29 days to be exact, after the first match making session? My late father-in-law fell for her there and then. Love at first sight! Till today, no one in his family could figure out how he managed to find his own way home that day. He was so in love he forgot all about his white cane!”

I waited for my well-deserved round of applause. But they only stared at me. Quizzically. Are they slow or what? Did they miss my punchline again? I was about to explain the joke when Stanley came back, but it was a different Stanley. This one looked arrogant and determined. He smoothly took over from where I left.

“And you guys should know 5 years after, Mighty Mouth’s husband underwent cornea transplant. The first person he saw when the bandages were removed was his wife. The first question he asked was “Is it halloween?”

The cheers, the applause, the shrieks of laughter were unprecedented. They came from everyone at the void deck, including, I suspect, the dearly departed.

A star was born. From now on, Stanley shall take charge of wakes for dearly departed mothers-in-law. He was given his first standing ovation and he looked pleased as punch.

And the punch came right at that moment. Stanley the Quiet, who became Stanley the Stand-up Star now became Stanley the Punched. Right on the right eye, delivered by my dear mother-in-law in person! Serves him right for stealing my punchline. No punch….oops..no pun intended.

Don’t ask me what happened next. All 8 of us paid for our sins that night. The exceptions were CB because he’s one slippery customer and Blackie, because he no longer has a mother-in-law.

CB The Dandy is now my good friend. I am staying in his store room till it is safe to go home. He is allowing me to stay in his store-room till the investigation on the mystery of the $1000 check issued in favor of "Blackie's MIL" found in the fist of a certain dead mother-in-law is completed.

He no tell, I no tell. Promise!

But next time, I will tell you how we discourteous Singaporeans behave on the MRT. I promise.